Golf Digest Break 100 Thing Returns; World's Haikuist's Rejoice Over Six Word Entry Essay

Because it's un-American to let a highly-rated, all-around hugely successful thing die, the folks at Golf Digest, NBC and the USGA are bringing back the Golf Digest Challenge.

But there's a catch: last year's 100-word essays were too long-winded, so this time around the Digest editorial team will only have to consume 56,000 six-word submissions. Oh, and those "encouraged" videos (wink, wink).

My gut says the 100-word essay was not eliminated to keep Craig Bestrom from smashing his Macbook after reading 6,000,000 inane words. No, I think it's to protect Bestrom from my multiple entries on the sheer hideousness of Rees Jones's remodeled 18th hole at Bethpage Black (pictured, left...but don't stare at it too long...it may cause macular degeneration).

Still, I've sketched out a few six word entries and was hoping you might tell me which of the following has the best chance of winning. And of course, feel free to post your own below should you need some friendly feedback.

Okay, here we go.

In the blatant rear-end kissing division:

• Jerry Tarde is God...pick me
  

Garnering sympathy category:

• One golfer, in spite of himself.

• Viagra doesn't work for me anymore.
  

I missed my calling as a not-as-clever-as-I-think ad executive, division:

• Intelligently designed to break one hundred.

• Live free, work hard, break 100.

• Six words is the new 100.

The I-am-perfect-for-a-reality show mindset:

• I am a narcissist...pick me.

• Because everyone else pretty much sucks.

• My dying wish: meet Mark Rolfing.
  

Inane, cliched and apparently never going away Mastercard rip-off category:

• Knowing I might break 100? Priceless.

Homage to President-elect Obama:

• Fired up and ready to go!

And I'll let your imagination determine where this goes...

• Once you go Bethpage Black, you...

Comments

[Taylor]

So far, I'm favoring "One golfer, in spite of himself" as it aptly covers each pampered millionaire Tour player as well as the guy who struggles to keep his card.
The runner-up entry would have to be the heartfelt wish to meet Mark Rolfing.
Have to sign off now, my glasses are misting up.

[Adam Clayman]

Break 100? Only at the bar.

[Peter]

I'm with Taylor, Geoff - "One golfer, in spite of himself" is just meaningless enough to win this thing! And the Mark Rolfing line might work too, if someone thought you were serious.

I'd work with the fact that no one associated with the show wants a pain-in-the-ass around on game day, when it's all about the celebrities. I'd try:

"I brought my own lunch, thanks"

"I won't break 100, I promise"

"Celebrities deserve more, they've earned it".

[smails]

how bout one that "discovers" GD's true motivation...

"you're too lazy to read letters"

[Jason]

"My swing will scare the children."

[Johnny Knoxville]

Too many golf tips and ads

[RM]

Once you go Bethpage Black, you...

Spend 5 minutes looking for every ball that's a foot or more off the fairway...then hack a bunch of five irons into greenside bunkers from the ridiculous rough...then maybe or maybe not get up and down...play 17 and 18 in the dark because of slow play...post an 84 that so easily could have been an 83 or 85...then a few years later try to recall one memorable hole other than the two played in the complete darkness...you watch replays of the 2002 U.S. Open and refuse to believe that was the same course you played such a forgettable round...but you can't wait for the 2009 U.S. Open because it's gonna be so frickin' awesome...then you'll jump at the next chance you get to play the course where Tiger won two U.S Opens.

[Phil the Author]

NO one named Burbeck designed this...

[ReverendTMac]

"I'll channel Hogan with unfiltered Marlboros."

[JT]

A Shack attack at "The Black"

I'm Rees's brother, can I play?

[Jeff]

Playing 18 Black holes wouldn't suck

[Mike T.]

I'm going to break par on the entry score and submit four words: No chance in hell.

[Chip Gaskins]

Bad Plastic Surgery, Up Close

[Lynn S.]

Shack's hack attack at the Black

[Pete the Luddite]

Persimmons and mashies shoot well, too

"Old" technolody can break 100, too

Take my persimmons from my cold dead...

Overpriced putters don't putt any straighter...

[Pete the Luddite]

OK, who's going to complain I didn't give a shout out for niblicks, too?

And congrats to Smol-mom, btw, from another string. Way to go!

[Jordan]

Go to wikimpaia.org and look at the satellite image of Bethpage. The bunkers on 18 look like two amoebas eating the fairway. What a disaster.

[Smolmania]

Thanks PTL. She'll need bigger hats now, but that's okay. Rumor has it that she dumped one in the pond on 18 in her next round. . . and laughed all the way to the drop area.

[JT]

Was that for yourself Lynn S. or your son?

[Chuck]

I can say brand platform identity.

[frank D]

drink heavy and wear old clothes

frankD

[Double Secret Probation]

(True) All of the finalists in this year's contest had some sort of physical ailment/malady/disease, which I have no problem with for them to choose from. But how do you describe such things for next year's contest in 6 words?

"I have six months to live."

"Cancer, virus, amputee, you name it."

"My sad story's worse than yours."

"Justin Timberlake got my daughter pregnant."

[Young Man Birdie]

Because Tiger will caddy for me

[Ky Laffoon's Ghost]

"Jones Hogan Nicklaus and Ouimet LLP"

And what Pete said: Way to go Smol-mom!

Pete: What about the brassie cleek mashie-niblick midiron?

[Doug]

Where is the wind-mill?

[Chunky Chipper]

"Plumbers butt. I have Plumbers butt."

[Young Man Birdie]

Angelina Jolie will caddy for me.

[ReverendTMac]

@Double Secret Probation: that's a good idea. I think I'm going to go with "Chicks dig the colostomy bag".